39 posts from 2007

I've always had a hard time with this whole, "coming down", sort of thing. I'm not talking about a drug induced,  postpartum meltdown,(though I don't care much for those either) it's a matter of emotional stimulus that is so premeditated and contrived that I don't even know that I am forcing these awful implosions to occur within my subconscious. My perception is often so out of wack that I begin to speak,think, write, whatever, in what I have called my, " circular word routines".  Which translates to; "I don't understand it, so neither will you". I would love to understand where these thoughts are going, and why they release themselves into such vague cavities that can only be numbed and concealed where their monumental depth is infinite. Though, I can't blame all of this on......Well, I don't actually know if or what I am blaming. I'm just tired. Very, very, tired. So tired, that I can't stop writing because I know that it will continue into my dreams and I would rather get it out on page so I can revisit it tomorrow, realize that I am deliriously confused, and move on. Something happened though. For a good portion of my day, I felt entirely empty. I had so much that I could revel in, and think about, but I felt vapid and vacant. Briefly, I would catch a wave of some familiarity and euphoric memory or thought, and just as fast....nothing. All I can think about, are corny metaphors for the unfortunate place I am finding myself in. I would laugh if I weren't so tired. I would write about the good things that have been happening in my life, the crazy things, the devious things. I want to write about so much, I don't know if I am ready to dream it.

It's unfortunate. It is truly unfortunate. I have little to no obligations right now and I can't function. I really don't know how. I have been stressed and vexed to the point of minor nervous breakdowns in the past couple of weeks, and as of now, it should be my time to relax and chill the fuck out. But I can't. I either over think, or I don't think and make a reoccurring ass of myself as a result. I am totally aloof and don't know what I want. I, I, I, I, I, I, I!!!!!

I am also just angry and annoyed because of a few things I dug up in my room at my parents house... One was one of my stupid psychiatric evaluations that I had when I was in high school....It's difficult to read what others have to say about you, especially when they are making commentary on what is essentially the framework of you as a person and your life. Reading that was not necessarily upsetting, but it's I guess what I associate my life in Seattle with. So when I put all of that into context, I am totally convinced that I am the same excessive and careless human being. Which is ridiculous, my life in the past two years hasn't even taken place here and I have done so much that deflects almost everything that I read in that document. Somehow, I'm not willing to give myself any credit.

SO, I am currently in this rainy city called Seattle....eeew, who would want to live here? Well, regardless of the rain, I am entirely enthused to be here. I am sitting in spud's bed right now as she is dying of a massive hangover...(it was her birthday yesterday, which I SPECIALLY flew in for). I, myself, however, and not quite as morbid as her. I am hungover, yes, but not at all deathly. I am in love, WITH PUDCHAA'S BED!

I may lose my eyesight if I stare at the computer any longer, or maybe I'll just fall asleep... So below are photos of Carrianne from my shoot today. I have so many that I am really pleased with, so these are just the ones that I was playing around with throughout the day. Once I have chosen the final seven I will post the layout.

I forgot! After we took that test, we spent the rest of the class each writing down stylists and photographers from all these fashion magazines. I thought it was hilarious, it was a really serious assignment too. I feel bad for making fun of it, because I love the professor, I just never thought that I would be doing what I normally do when I am avoiding school work, in class. SO yeah....

So I think that I am living in the twilight zone......I don't know, the past couple of days......well, considering I was in a daze for most of yesterday, couldn't breathe when I woke up, got a bloody nose as I was paying for these ridiculously expensive French magazines and my cigarettes, couldn't really remember why the hell I was still even in Manhattan, and then at home I couldn't get my body to stop shaking. Sounds like fun, right? I can't figure out where my head is, did I mention that I am living in a parallel universe? Because, I am. Sometimes I live in New York and go to art school, and sometimes I just have no clue how to locate where my head goes, but I know it's not here.

So,  finals are creeping up on me and I am in a total fog. I took the most ridiculous final today. For my fashion and styling class we took a test on what I guess you could call, "the ins and outs of the fashion industry". Anyway, it was so silly and I felt like a total idiot because I knew all of the answers so thoroughly. Normally I would be ecstatic about doing so well on a test, but this one,  seems like total confirmation that I am just a dumb, superficial, blond.

Speaking of DUMB, my kitten is even more dumb than I am. She got into Romina's oil paints....and it appears that she ate a little. She's not going to die is she?

I posted some digital, color photos, last week and I have a few new ones from the shoot I did with Ana. However, they are digital pictures of black and white film photographs that I printed, so the quality is not entirely accurate. SO, whoever would like to buy me a scanner for Christmas that is larger than 11x14....I would love you forever. Or maybe you could just tell Pratt to let me use the fucking digital lab and not be assholes about it. GOD. ha, well here they are....

I need to get myself motivated, or maybe someone needs to motivate me. The past 4 days have been hilarious and comforting, but also very indulgent and I don't remember how to be a functioning member of society anymore.

Well, ABOUT the past 4 days......I traveled, it was Thanksgiving, and then my birthday was yesterday! I traveled upstate to Kingston with Romina and Dan, to have Thanksgiving with her family. Her family is so lively, and really like me, which I guess is something I am not really used to with peoples' parents. So Thanksgiving was not profoundly depressing or lonely, like it always is when I am torturing myself with daydreams about not being in Seattle for holidays. Mainly it's being away on my birthday that I am really bothered by, and it's for totally selfish reasons. I just miss things being all about me for that one day, and being around people that know me and know exactly what I want. I'm so temperamental with shit like that, and I guess things in general. BLAH fucking BLAH.

   So yeah, basically I have really high standards that I just expect people to know that without me EVER telling them. Not very reasonable, I know. Luckily, my birthday was ten times better than I expected it to be. I saw a show in Woodstock with all of the people I already mentioned I was with, which was definitely an experience. There is a different dynamic entirely up there between the youth and adult culture. At the venue I couldn't really figure out what it was, but after I left I realized that there was a lack of judgment being placed on anyone because of how old they were and why they were there. I mean, it wasn't like I was seeing a old folky band or something, it main act was a whiskey drinking,drunk as hell, group of brothers that just played an awesome show. The range of ages and kinds of people who were there, kind of thralled me. I guess that is what primarily amazing about really artistic communities. The music was something that I probably wouldn't have listened to on my own, but the show was much more about energy for me.
    After the show we went to this other chick's birthday party outside of Woodstock, way out in parts of New York I never thought I would go to. This sounds so sheltered, but I didn't have any cell phone reception for the whole time I was there and it made me really nervous.  Anyway, it didn't really matter once we got there because we just proceeded to get increasingly well, drunk. I guess it was just a whiskey kind of an evening. Surprisingly I knew many of the people there because they have come down to Brooklyn and stayed in Romina and I's apartment. So that was reassuring and helped my evening really become complete. And I even got to hear two of my favorite songs, (lost in a supermarket by the clash and sea of love by tom waits) in the car after leaving, which is nostalgic and can be really obnoxious for other people anytime, but if your drunk and it's your birthday....it's so much better.

Although I only posted it a couple hours ago, the post below reflects a much more hungover individual than the one writing now. Ummm, yeah.

So this morning, Romina, Emma and I, laughed about anorexia....forever. Maybe it was that the brain cells which we thought we had were totally m.i.a. because of the night before, or maybe anorexia is just funny. Either way, someone is going to tell me that I am fucked up for making fun of this life threatening illness. I can make fun of it until the day that I die, it comes with the territory. But as much as I would like to laugh at anorexia all day, I have to pack. I am going upstate with Romina for Thanksgiving and will be there until Saturday, which means I will be there for my birthday as well! I feel really lame, but this birthday is kind of groundbreaking, if you will....(i'm not going to be a teenager anymore! so to whoever I have lied to about my age, I'm really sorry, but it was necessary )  I'm going to be 20 years old on Friday. So if anyone is in upstate New York this week, give me a call!

I don't really know why I am posting this, maybe it reminds me of stupid anorexic girls....oh god, I need to stop laughing at this shit.

Misfits - Saturday Night

THE MISFITS

Much to cover, where to begin...How about I begin with this pounding headache that, well, I can only blame myself for.  Four girls, not a lot of food, and almost a handle of vodka. It's really nothing to brag about. I really don't drink very often anymore and when I do, I have been relatively successful in keeping my self under control. This is just one of the ugly reminders as to why I removed myself from fulfilling the role of the "trashed" girl all the time. Anyway, the night was not a total disaster, no one became weepy or depressed like so many other nights where massive amounts of liquor were consumed. Of course there were conversations that may not have happened without this lubricated courage of sorts, but it happens.

If I am able to forget about this massive headache for a minute I can focus what I intended on posting.

This past Friday, Max, Ana,Isabelle, Eliana and I, worked in the studio for many, many hours. I shot pictures of Ana,  which are the ones below, and of Eliana ( which I have not yet edited or fully developed).  Originally I had in mind this kind of 70's groupie kind of look, because this chick in one of my classes had described this one photograph concept and look be something like, "having last night slept with one of the new york dolls and then being sad about it." I thought it was funny, so I tried to work with it. I'm not really sure if that is what came across, but I am happy with the results. I have so many that I want to put up, but only have a few available to post right now. So there will be more on the way! Thank you to all who were involved in the shoot.