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"I've been loving you.....for too long...."

Quenched
This drought of lonely moments
In which my response is grateful

The words are beautiful
and the pain
So perfectly woven into the disaccord of tones she releases

However, my surface cannot be so reflective

My disillusion is an installation in my piece
and the visibility is much more demanding in excuses
I have no one to blame
But me

Except you
I have you
and I have always had you
You've been at that fingertip that shook
Violently in my mind
and pegged me as the
lucrative laughingstock 

Profitable
Certainly not for me.

Able to whisk the idea of forgiveness
I pass that one right by
a sign that I would beseech to say
Morality

A moral of muddy cowboy boots
It's all that comes to mind
No matter how little sense it makes

I've dragged them through that terrain
and allowed the discomfort
and allowed my chagrin of bravery to
make anyone proud

A promise you can't keep
But I covet an exchange where you would
Allow this fruitful mind game to cease

For the purpose ......of resonance

Now, aim.

Routine waivers like
strews of flailing kitchen knives
an instance driving them into my back

Ultimately a privacy
I cannot always be granted
poisoned by derived noise and
lozenges of latent contempt

As if the struggle proved
to be personable
even interesting
no longer invasive and
lost
confusing forgiveness
no
not both
placement is only promise
for deserved end notes
and prosperity failed

Clueless is proper
tactless is inevitable
close nit characters
find the comedy obscene 

Repetition is deception in it's prime

Routine waivers like
strews of flailing kitchen knives
an instance driving them into my back

Ultimately a privacy
I cannot always be granted
poisoned by derived noise and
lozenges of latent contempt

As if the struggle proved
to be personable
even interesting
no longer invasive and
lost
confusing forgiveness
no
not both
placement is only promise
for deserved end notes
and prosperity failed

Clueless is proper
tactless is inevitable
close nit characters
find the comedy obscene 

Repetition is deception in it's prime

It's January 3rd and I feel obligated to once again comment on the new year.  I find it kind of funny that since moving to New York, I have yet to ring in the new year on the east coast.  It's not as if I make precise new years resolutions or anything, but being in Seattle in a time of transition seems slightly awkward since I spend so little time here.  I am entirely happy to be here, but it has proven difficult to simply pick up where I left off.  When I arrived here a few weeks ago, the snow prohibited me from leaving my parents house all together.  I was there for about a week before seeing anyone other than my family.  I've realized that I can't expect to build new relationships while I'm here and I can really only hold obligations to those whom I have already placed a value on in my life.  There's really no point in establishing an entirely new life each time I come back.  I have my friends that I care about and if I meet new people along the way, that's fabulous, but I can't expect to make substantial connections with them in such a short period of time, it only disappoints me later on.  And in my time here, I have met some interesting people that have been hospitable in every way and I look forward to meeting them again down the line, that's really all I can ask for.  I apologize to anyone that I have neglected to see in my time being here, but this is my time to have fun and I really can't be bothered with the dramatics of ultimately anything.  This sounds selfish, but I have to be when it comes to matters like this.  I have my best friends and I will always enjoy being around them, and they know that even if I don't spend much time with them that I will always want to be a part of their lives regardless of where I am located. 

I suppose that if I were to make any new years resolutions, it would be to no longer guilt myself about things that are simply out of my control.  These last few times I have been in Seattle have really brought to light how I have been striving to live this awkward double life, and that it blatantly has not worked.  I can't be in 2 places at once, so I have to enjoy my vacation here without the thought that I am missing out on something elsewhere.

Somehow I am still able to surprise myself with all of the weird and random shit that I do. I think that I am a good writer for the most part, but every so often I write something on here only to read it the next day and question my sanity. I am referring to the annoying rant that I wrote last night. There is no structure or clear subject for that matter to that piece and I honestly sound retarded. Sometimes I guess it's better not to transcribe my drunken thoughts and have them streaming across the internet. Today is strange, yesterday was stranger. I am taking this day for myself. I am going to be lazy, watch bad tv and random documentaries in bed and think about all of the things I have to do before Monday....I also feel like shit, and somehow injured my foot making it slightly painful to walk. I've somewhat justified my absence from class and made up enough excuses in my head to alleviate any guilt I feel about not being there...I really should have gone to class though. I woke up and was ready to go this morning but then as I was about to leave I just got really freaked out about god know what, and I went right back to bed. Going back to bed would have been pleasant if I hadn't already taken my adderall, instead I just layed in bed feeling sick and awkward. So at this point I have been moping around all day and I decided to finally eat. Unfortunately, I can't really cook, and food is just a confusing subject for me all together. Still, I tried to make this coconut milk curry and it's honestly very strange tasting. I can't decide if it is bad, so over the course of a few hours I'll probably eat it. Blah blah blah, I feel so bizzarre today! This is fucking weird. I think I am crazier than I have ever been right now, so let's take a trip to the loony bin......

Do not drink and write!

Jesus Christ, will it ever end? Once I find some sort of solace and consistency, I find a way to upset the structure. Although, I have been in a state of what I would normally not qualify as ideal, lately I have been more productive than ever. I am able to actually get myself our of bed and the house, do ten thousand things in the city and feel great about it. This of course is not something that my willpower can take credit for in it's entirety. I've been wearing my glasses, which even though I hate it  and think I am the fucking nerd of the century encarnated when I wear them, I know that I benefit from that embarrasment. I also have been on top of all my med situations...yes I am one of those ADD/ADHD kids who takes aderall, but unlike all you confused people out there who think that taking adderall is means for the time of your life and an obvious way for you to starve and become a Nicole Ritchie lookalike, I take it in times that would aid me from the scatterbrained and spacey mindset which normally occupies much wasted time. 
Blah, blah. I am a little tipsy was the 2 drinks i had earlier....anyway, I had a wonderful and eventful day. Today my studio class took a fieldtrip to Gleason's Gym in DUMBO, where we then divided ouselves into a few groups so we could create an editorial type series of photographs, which of couse will be graded later. Unfortunately I can't express my favorite part of this little journey in this blog, don't want anyone to read it and get the wrong idea....haha, or any idea for that matter. I am kind of a 13 year old girl when it comes to guys, even when it comes to guys are way older than me....But really, I can't write about it on here, so if you want to know what I am referring to you can ask me later.
The gym was great. For the most part, we were shooting men, but randomly my professor wanted us to take portraits of this female boxer (my professor is a boxer at this gym as well). Everything would have been fine, except she wouldn't start boxing for about an hour after we spoke since she had just eaten.....
I've realized that this type of photography is definitely not for me, and I don't get amazing shots, but as a director I am precise and get great photographs. It has me thinking about what my eventual profession will be. I love photography and love taking and creating pictures, but I also in my weird way like to dictate the scenario and mood while someone else takes the photograph. I suppose we'll see eventually how I determine my passion, or whatever. The thing is, I am so passionate about photography that I think I have neglected my responsiblity skills in terms of directing and how to basically interact in the professional world.  ANYHOW, my day went smoothely despite my headache from all the wine I drank last night.  The guys at the gym could not get enough of me and my friend Carianne! I guess 2 blond chicks wearing leggings, or at least tight pants, is hard to ignore......

My previous entry, was an awful attempt to convey anything.  The writing is sooo bad!

There is nothing on television that I would really consider good tv unless it's bad. Unless of course you are talking about the National Geographic channel, but that is completely another realm of obsession.
I don't own a television, and hardly watched it when I had one, so I don't even know what would constitute a bad show....
Anyhow, I am hopelessly addicted to these terrifically bad television series, 90210, America's Next Top Model, Sons of Anarchy...The others are less consistent in terms of me following them. So how do I watch these said shows? Well,  I discovered, during one of my many too hungover to get out of bed kind of days, that I am able to view them via the internet! Who woulda fucking thought?  Plenty of people, I'm sure.

Never in my life, except for maybe when I was below the age of 10, have I made time in my schedule or even thought about making time, to follow some series on television week by week. Ha, I laugh at myself all the time, because it's so bad! ...

But really, I'm still getting all my shit done for work and school, no interference yet. I'm just living vicariously through all of the fucks I watch on these shows. I figure that taking a vacation from the fun, but dehabilitating, nights of getting so purposely trashed was a good idea..I don't want to look 45 when I am 30, though the damage may already be done. I may laugh about it, but my body has a rough history of abuse. I always wonder what I would look like if I hadn't started drinking in middle school, smoking when I was 14, gone through periods of starving myself for years...Besides what I would look like, I wonder what my mental state would be like and if my body wouldn't ache every morning from whatever the hell I did to it in these past years.

I won't lie and say that I am over the fact that I have destroyed promise my life may or may not have had, but for all of my mishaps and the debauchery I've contrived, I am doing fucking good.  Someone even told me I was uptight the other day, and I that I needed to loosen the fuck up!  Me, uptight?   Now, me being drunk and uptight is a twisted improvement on my end. That I am a loose canon and quite possibly irrational, is something I am used to being told about myself while intoxicated, definitely not uptight.

Enough is enough, any I have watched more internet tv today than my eyeballs can stand .

GOOD NIGHT.